Lily Allen & File Sharing

You need to be in the fan list to post on her blog and Lily Allen doesn’t accept invitations or messages from music pages. Irony anyone? You can’t add her on a regular page either, as I was both annoyed and amused to discover when quickly signing up just to try and contribute to her recently updated blog on Myspace.

“Lilly Allen? File sharing? What? Surely not.” - You

Recently (on Monday to be precise) Lily Allen rather spontaneously began posting blogs about file sharing, piracy and record labels. Though it might have come across a bit more spontaneously if I hadn’t heard about it on the radio more than once and seen it advertised seperately about 6 times on Myspace on the same day. Oh and now Matt Bellamy (I’m not even going to pretend not to know his name, or refer to him as “that guy from Muse“) has got involved. This is also advertised on Myspace. Hang on, this really isn’t as spontaneous as I thought. What a surprise!

Going back to the opening point, Myspace asks you to type Lily’s last name or email to confirm you aren’t some sort of evil-Socialist-Marxist-spamming-robot-device-thing that Rupert Murdoch probably really hates. Only she decided this was all a good idea. It probably is in theory, if your page has as much activity as hers surely must.  Rupert Murdoch owns Myspace, by the way. Worth repeating. This probably isn’t his best play with hindsight but I don’t know the figures. Even so, I’m picturing a hastily sketched graph showing a downward spiral and an empty pie chart on display, the contents of which have been eaten by iTunes and Facebook respectively. I wonder what the infamous ‘Tom’  is doing these days? Do people ask for his autograph if they see him in the street? Myspace seems to be a boat sailing without a sail up shits creek when it comes to cool these days, so I’m guessing not any more. I don’t know why they don’t just do away with the public profile aspect and just call it MUSICspace seeing as that is the only thing it’s ever been good at. MUSICspace… Sounds pretty good, actually. I thought of it first, so don’t steal it. Anyway, If I wanted to see someone’s personal whoring page  with nothing to actually whore that also happens to resemble a hastily cluttered Yahoo! Geocities website from about 8 years ago I’d go and find one. I would, but they’ve probably all been deleted, as they were shit. Really shit. I just used everyone’s favourite search engine (begins with G) to query this and as of the 29th of October 2009 they will be no more. Now if the same could be done to 90% of comments made on the Internet it would be another real step forward. Starting with youtube.

I appear to have deviated away from what I was supposed to be saying, which was about confirming her name when sending an invite. ‘Allen’ doesn’t work. Has she misspelt her last name?  It would appear so. This is the worst case of high profile dyslexia I’ve personally come across so far. I even tried misspelling it a few times to get into her poorly spelt psyche. This didn’t work. So what exactly is the point of Lily Allen encouraging bands and individuals to comment on her page WHEN YOU CAN’T BECAUSE NO ONE CAN ADD HER. This is the networking equivalent of asking someone to speak without removing the ducktape first. You’d have thought she might have put two and two together. Her blogs receive a lot of  advertising and exposure. There are hardly any comments at all, no way near the number expected. 

Rather than let it go to waste I thought I’d put the questions and statements I typed up for her to read and answer here. They raise some interesting points and most of the comments on her blog are Luke-warm on the relevance-and-well-thought-out-argument-meter to say the least.

Advice : Spell your name correctly next time you fiddle with the spam settings on your web pages, Lily. Otherwise people can’t actually contribute to anything you’re trying to do.

So, if you go and read her blog (recommended, for various reasons) you may be able to see what the fuss is about. She just comes across as out of touch to me. I thought she was supposed to be the height of coolness for anyone aged between 13 and 26?  Though I’m not going to bag her writing ability. Mainly people’s inane comments. Which are really, really fucking inane and completely jarring too. Nothing personal, they are either completely misguided or just plane stoopid. I’m not even going to bother posting them here. Oh wait, yes I am. 

 ”hmm…..i agree!” 

Okay, is there anything you want to add or say? ANYTHING? Why did you bother?

“Sounds fair enough”

I like this one. It’s almost as pointless as the one above it here, but you just have to love it’s apathetic qualities. Or the fact the individual who posted it probably didn’t even read what she wrote and doesn’t give a shit about it, either.

“lily i download all of ur music coz i cnt b botherd payin 4 it but i like ur music u sud b flaterd ppz download it”

This one really speaks for itself. Almost a complete twat, but then you realise he’s actually correct about her inability to be happy about people just hearing the music she makes. Not the illegal downloading part obviously, but still. That should be the primary reason for making music. Which is surely what it should all be about. When further questioned about this concept of flattery Lily shamelessly states “Well I’m not”. Make of that what you will…

“Harry Potter 7, what the fucK?!

Of course, it follows the books, nothing to do with sequels that are going forever.”

I have absolutely no clue what the last one just above is referring to; it is completely irrelevant to everything else on that page. Obviously someone forgot to take their medication. Trust that bloody Potter to get in on the anti-file sharing action eh? (EDIT! – On closer inspection, for some bizarre reason; Lily did mention Harry Potter and also Terminator 6. There isn’t a Terminator 6, and if there was, it would be shit, but nice attempt all the same Miss Allen.)

I tried to find a misguided sentence or two from Matt Bellamy (the guy from Muse, keep up) which Lily posted herself for some reason as part of the 2nd blog. Yet he appears to be speaking a lot of sense. Such as…

“My current opinion is that file sharing is now the norm.”

Which is by and large the truth and a completely fair opening statement. Also -

“Broadband makes the internet essentially the new broadcaster.  This is the point which is being missed.”

Sounds fair enough.

“We should set up a meeting with Lord Mandelson as he is on this issue at the moment, I’m sure he would meet us for breakfast!”

My mistake! I don’t know how that blatant name-dropping from Bellamy above got there.

No wonder Lily Allen hates so much. I bet EMI really hate it.

EX GIRLFRIENDS.

So, what exactly is the point of ex girlfriends?

“Hmm, a rhetorical question to open a new blog! How cliché! Probably. Damn, I’m cynical on the Internet. I must work on that and think before I type.” – You

Ah, for that is not a rhetorical question which you no doubt inaccurately identified. You really should think before you type. It does tend to help, yet so few seem to bother. That got you off your high horse, didn’t it? Now THAT is a rhetorical question. Notice my stunning use of advanced bolding there just to highlight your mistake even further. I even momentarily turned caps lock on to further your acute embarrassment. Isn’t this going well? Oh look, even more potential rhetoric for you to marvel over and ironically question, at least in this instance. Feel privileged to have stumbled across these well crafted words in one way or another, for I am genuinely asking and at the very least going to attempt to answer the following; what is the point of ex girlfriends (exactly)?

Helpful Hint : Don’t ask an ex girlfriend what the point of ex girlfriends are. It doesn’t work. Alright?

To be honest with you, no amount of rhetoric or well-worded trickery will get me out of this one now. I’m yet to come even remotely close to working out this old chestnut. Still! Even after all this time. I’ve had a while to think about this one. You know, wherever applicable and appropriate. Use your imagination. Anyway, there’s no doubt I’ve thought about it more than some and more than most, yet definitely less than some. That is definitely lucky or at least fortunate. It’s also definitely worth pointing out this may lead to bittersweet memories, gnawing guilt and chronic introversion; amongst other things, though not necessarily in that order. Even if you’ve done little or nothing wrong, just observing as an innocent bystander of discussion, you could potentially come away feeling like shit. You may or may not have known this. Generally, I’m (just) comfortable enough with all this within myself to admit this, I believe. So, I warn thou now; you read this at your own highly probable, impending and emotional peril. Right here, right now, I shall attempt to faultlessly answer this very question and any relevant sub points that arise from my own mind during the course of this journey. Trust me, I’ve put a lot of thought into this timeless conundrum. Now it’s your turn to join in!

Obviously, this may also apply to ex boyfriends or whatever else (preferably with a feminine flair for the reader relatability factor; no, I didn’t make that phrase up completely) and also to those of you reading with more X chromosomes in your DNA than myself. Or alternatively, you may be bisexual or at least think you are, or perhaps even a budding pansexual. See, this doesn’t discriminate against anyone or anything! How often do you come across that? To elaborate, those who bat in all directions and with particularly liberal sexual and relationship-based morals are welcome to read on. I’d just like to add whilst you are still thinking about it rather than reading the rest of this properly that contrary to popular belief, pansexuals do not fuck pans. This introduction is getting inconveniently lengthy…

Anyway, congratulations if you have managed to read this far, you are not the lowest common denominator! Oh, hang on, that new song by Bad Lieutenant has come on the radio. Sink Or Swim, I believe it’s called – and it is very relevant to what I have said so far. Worth checking out if you liked Joy Divison and New Order or just enjoy well-written, thought-out and pleasant sounding music, really. Finding the lyrics sheet through everyone’s favourite search engine isn’t proving easy so far. I don’t plan to misquote it, as that would just be oh so amateur. Bear with me here.

… … … …

yea-! … wait, those aren’t the fucking lyrics!

… … …

Found them! Here we are.

“What are you doing, with that stupid little girl?
Stop your fooling, don't you know its gonna hurt?
When she leaves you, and you gave all that you could give
You'll be hurting for the one you should be with.”

I think those speak for themselves. If you don’t, read them again.

Basically, ex girlfriends (and other ex partners) in all their flavours are stupid because they are failure personified. Even if they were and are the most beautiful and sexually attractive or even just the nicest person you’ve known with many interesting experiences shared, they are still failure personified. At least for you. Think about it. I know this is one of the worst things imaginable, but just enjoy it. Relationships are supposed to last, and if they don’t, what is the actual point? Surely by being someone’s girlfriend you are then openly committing yourself to him or her, and the natural or common progression from this is to then become closer by becoming engaged or married (depending on your culture at least, blah). What happens more often now is you end up splitting. If this happens, what an absolutely inevitable waste of time this is, especially if your ex girlfriend happens to be a complete nutter or put some sort of imaginary time cap on your relationship. It happens. If you can’t then be friends with them, that just make’s it even worse – and you can never, ever be friends with them again. It’s the rules. I tried breaking them and it didn’t work, so they must be the rules. I’m not sure if this is the worst part but it is definitely one of them. Remember this. Forget it, you may as well just have friends, close friends and friends with benefits. Or if you could just sleep around. I mean, it’s just a suggestion. I’m not recommending this, it’s just a suggestion. Look, I didn’t realise how big a subject this is when I started writing, okay? Seriously. Shall I call this part one then?

EX GIRLFRIENDS. PLUS SOME OTHER EX-Y THINGS. (Part One).

Yeah, so… EX’s? Here is what we can establish so far. By their very nature and title they have come and gone. They are EX girlfriends. The clue is pretty much in the title. I’ve even bolded this fact out to really help get that point home. EX. Remember this. It really, really does help to remember this. Especially when you are thinking about them in whatever scenario or situation. Even if you are misguided enough to dream about them. Or observant enough to realise EX is two out of the three letters in the word SEX. Is this helping?

Well done if you managed to read the small print. If so, you know it won’t be available to you anyway. So in conclusion, there isn’t any point in ex girlfriends. Or ex anything. I hope this has been an enlightening little read and you can now try and move forward. Even if you don’t need or want to. Do you even know what you want?  Thank you!

———————–

 Please note – If you happen to have found any grammatical mistakes or misspellings in this entry I actually placed them there deliberately and I too know exactly where they are, it’s all for effect and to make my writing feel more natural to you, the reader. Obviously. I know exactly what I’m doing, so don’t even bother telling me. I’ll probably put this underneath every entry, as some people need telling more than once. Also, it’s amusing. Actually, I probably won’t. It seems a bit patronising somehow? WHY AM I SO INDECISIVE?!

Of course, there aren’t actually any grammatical mistakes or misspellings in this entry.